Some people have "good Fridays". Others state the acronym "TGIF". May I take the liberty of the nil-used "TGIM". If it was not for the exchange of emails with a sweet source of light during my work day, I would call this Valentine's Day a black one. A very black day indeed.

William A. Smith III, dead at 24.

I woke up depressed. Events of the night before weighed heavily upon me. As I accelerated upon the onramp into the thick rain, with the poor visibility in mind along with how everything was gray, I morbidly chuckled to myself with my best of Star Trek: TNG's Worf impression of his quotation "It's a good day to die".

Though it was a dark thought, I did not expect it to actually play out though quite a curiosity as a premonition. As I drove, my thoughts fell upon Lisa with those questions of "why" and "how". She and I had not been talking, but I decided to reach out to her the previous night and without going into any details, the night ended with me feeling very alone and hurt. Consequently, I found myself deep into introspection and hurting as I drove. I was unable to figure it out. I found myself resenting her, relationships in general, and ultimately God.

As I drove along I thought to myself how I know if I was an all powerful entity and all-knowing, I could design a more effective system that what we are in on a multiple of levels. For one to say, "God is mysterious and not ours to understand" is simple a cop-out and does not address the how/why of a situation. When I deal with a user, if they ask me why does Microsoft Windows does this or that, I could never justify it by saying "The ways of Microsoft are mysterious and not ours to understand." I understand there are things that must be accepted on faith until additional information is given, but some things just do not make sense from a rational mindset. For example, the fallen creation: it is like a piece of artwork that is smeared. If the flaw within that artwork needs to be corrected, there is better ways to fix that artwork than to send your offspring off to die, at least that's assumption I would make for an all-powerful / all-knowing entity. Just stating that it is necessary "just because" does not hold a lot of acceptance with me. If we truly have "free will" can we not choose to reach that pre-fallen state (heaven), not by killing Christ on the cross, but rather simply choosing to "spit up" the forbidden fruit or why not another tree all together? No doubt these are the thoughts of a heretic, who would soon find death in ages past, but one's faith is serious business and it is much better to understand one's belief system rather than to blindly accept what is fed.

I waited in bumper to bumper traffic for about 15-20 minutes and then traffic opened up. I found myself moving at a good rate of speed and then approached a segment of traffic that was a little slow, probably about 55 in a 55. I moved to the right to pass the clump accelerating from 70 to 75. As I was in the right lane of a three laned interstate side, my truck began to veer to the left diagonal (since I was gaining speed) towards a maroon, extended cab Ford Ranger.

I was hydroplaning.

My first thought was, "I'm going to have a wreck- I've never had a wreck before." I kept working the steering wheel and as I thought I was about to hit the truck, I gained momentary control to begin moving back into my lane. But in doing so, my bed was getting away from me. Somewhere during this jerked movements, hot coffee was sent into my lap and then the thermos flew across the cab sending its hot contents elsewhere.

I was in risk of spinning out but most likely barrel rolling due to the high rate of speed in the middle of thick, fast-moving rush hour traffic.

I managed to come out of that only to find myself hydroplaning again but this time toward the right and off the road. Once I hit the grass, I had control again, but my wheels were not braking that well on the wet grass. Blades of grass landed at eye level places on my truck during the braking. As I was trying my best to stop, I saw a looming concrete light pole upon my path, the one at the Graham exit.

I stopped.

I stopped about three feet from the pole. Somewhere during this experience, I should have died. For a time thereafter, I wondered if I did, that perhaps the afterlife was not a whole lot different initially from what we already knew, so that we could have an initial adjustment period. As I contemplated this in the parking garage at U of M, I softly popped myself in the chin to see if I was alive, though I would think I could still do that in the afterlife.

Until the end of the day, life did not seem too different. One always thinks he would do something different if he was given a second chance, but the only thing I did which was contrary to what I had planned before was that I did not attend my boss' birthday luncheon.

Yet, the afternoon would provide the push for a life-altering decision.

I will be removing myself from any Venture activity. I am still up in the air whether I will ever go to the Mug again. I may, but then again sometimes in life it is time to move on. Since the same players are involved with both the Mug and Venture, I think it will probably be best for me to remove myself from it too.

I have been betrayed by someone close to me, someone who I had shared my confidence with and with whom I had I had a great line of communication in place, or so I thought. I got a call from Stu last Friday afternoon telling me how he wanted to meet with me face to face. I essentially told him to tell me right then so that the issue could be absolved. I told him that I found him to be threatening in this manner and that I was not going to walk into a "lion's den" no knowing what to expect. He gave me enough hints to figure it out. He also said various "girls of Venture" brought it up. I do not know to whom he is referring, but the one name I got from him is the one who betrayed me.

Essentially, the issue simply involves communication and apparently she does not want to hear anything from me again. Instead of informing me, she/they told Stu, who is the WORST person in relation to approach me. I feel as though I have been mislabeled and have been receiving a cold shoulder from a few others.

I tried to contact the person in question as to why she would do this but she has made herself unavailable. It has been heartbreaking. I still do not know what I did wrong, though I suspect the emotional imbalance of the individual involved.

I talked with Padgett on Friday and he tried to encourage and told me to talk to MO, but I do not see the point because I have not done anything wrong in the first place and there's nothing to be fixed on my end when... there's nothing to be fixed. Though Padgett is quite a big guy, I could not help but to tear up while I shared the issue with him. I tried not to but when someone close betrays you, it hurts. Padgett really is a great guy in listening to me and providing advice.

I turned toward Lisa for insight. Though she and I have hurt the other plenty, she is among the two people who know me best with the other person being me. I find agreement in the following passage that was penned by her:

Any Christian group, and for that matter any group of coffee shop regulars, is a complicated microcosm of social workings that works without particular attention to common sense. Friends are made and lost based not on their personality but on the convenience of that person being around. I honestly believe that. And anytime one of them sees someone who is not necessarily like him or herself, that person is rarely accepted. I've never liked how people use their Christianity as cement to hold friendships together, because it ignores individuality. Apparently some of those folks question your moral standards and you're being treated as such. If they cared about you for you, it wouldn't matter. I think you need to remove yourself from there – looking for girls there is futile, and your heart has been broken by them many times. Those girl's minds are not their own. They belong to the collective. I think it's how they dodge adversity as far as questioning their belief systems, but it instead causes them to create drama within the set.

So I am thinking "screw Venture, it's time to move on". I do not know where to go, but I do know that I do not want friends in the typical "Christian" setting. I know that sounds odd, but I can do without the hypocrisy and struggle for authority. I am looking for thinkers, not those who blindly accept what they have been given, rather those who ask those "why" and "how" questions of life.

It is hard, but it is the plight of this betrayed independent.