Bums. They are such lazy bums and I bet most of them are not legitimate bums yet, but they do get to retain the title of lazy.

As I drove to work this morning, I noticed that on their corner on the off ramp of Sam Cooper and Highland, the vagrants' typical post was no longer vacant. For the past couple of months, the guy selling newspapers must have run the whole lot of them off for I have not seen any of them in awhile. Yet, this morning, there was one who had a sign.

Professional bums must have quite the exciting life because they seem to be always "on the road". According to the sign's verbiage, they are hungry (in the richest, fattest per capita country in the world) and they are cold (they must have left their spring sign at home), but I sure do envy their ability to travel the open road. Essentially, they get to be out in the great spring weather while people throw money at them while I get to spend my entire day slowly wilting underneath artificial lighting– a fate that I had to work for years to attain!

If people want to toss their money out the window, hey, that's fine. It's like gambling but without the incessant, mind-altering ringing of slot machines or the pocket change payouts. But it just won't be me when it comes to losing money to a "man" who has the ability to stand on a corner and hold a sign– and no, I don't classify that as "working for a living", though no doubt he makes more money than I did sacking groceries for $4.35 an hour.

I would think there are some rules of etiquette when it comes to being a professional bum. For example, when a driver, oh let's just say me, has his window rolled down, it may very well because it is a pretty day outside and he just wants to rock to his favorite Metallica song "Whiskey in the Jar". The driver is neither indicating that he has the desire to toss his money into the wind nor is he looking to engage in conversation while he's stuck behind two cars at a stop sign. With this in mind, along with noting the non-inviting countenance of the driver along with the blaring rock music, a bum should consider that perhaps his presence is unwanted and he should not now be standing within three feet of the window.

Furthermore, when the driver refuses to relinquish his money by a simple statement "I don't have anything" with the hidden emphasis of "for you", then he should take that in stride and realize how he can improve his results next time, perhaps by doing a little dance (disco maybe), playing a guitar (Dylan will never be overdone), or bringing along a monkey (everybody likes a good monkey).

Generally, I would not fathom that it would be particularly wise for the begger to give the ol' one finger salute as the driver drives on for it will only negatively affect his opportunities with the upcoming motorists and chances are, the driver who the bum just waved his "approval" just might respond in turn and may even toss a few kind words in the vagrant's direction. That's no way to run a business!

If only there was an official book of etiquette for required reading within the ring of conmen in the city of Memphis.