"I am happy for you and your newfound fervor for life."

Someone has recently shared the above with me. Something about it didn't click right with me. Newfound fervor for life. One would have to examine this remark and see what it says. I would submit that I have a newfound fervor for death. Am I prancing about under the glow of moonlight while chanting Aramaic? 🙂 No, they kicked me out because I jiggle more than I prance! Seriously, I find that I am dead– when it comes to this very limited existence which the world calls "life". Let's say I spend the next 40 years of my life and climb the corporate ladder and wind up being greatly recognized. People know me everywhere. God has given me the gifts to achieve such... yet, what is the view from the top? The world tells us that's what we must strive for that to be "happy". Check out Nicodemus in John 3. Here is a man who has made it to the top of the religious establishment. He was known as Israel's Teacher. When he spoke, people listened. Yet, he comes to Jesus at night, seeking the truth. Here is a man who had made it, yet he comes to Jesus because he wasn't "happy" with where he was. It's a shame he didn't get it at the time, but we do find him three years down the road in John 19:39 preparing Jesus' body for burial. We can always bounce to the writer of Ecclesiastes and realize how foolish the passions of life are. Vanity indeed.

What is my life when I could die as I sit here? Yes, I do find life in Christ and I am very much alive in Him, but when it comes to how the world interprets "life", I am dead. In fact, I must die to it each day.

As I read Eldridge's "Waking Up the Dead", I realize that with my salvation, I was given a good heart and analogous to the Most Holy of Holies in the Old Testament. A lot of the times we just think we're "just evil through and through" and we're "just saved by the grace of God". It is true that we are saved only by the grace of God and not by good works, but our lives in Him are so much greater than that! Jesus has given us the freedom to reflect His glory! "...have life and have it in full" (John 10:10)

With a Christian worldview, I am finding movies to reflect themes of God. Eldridge's book quotes "The Lion King" with the following:

Mufasa: Simba
Simba: Father?
Mufasa: Simba, you have forgotten me.
Simba: No! How could I?
Mufasa You have forgotten who you are, and so forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba...you are more than what you have become.
Simba: How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.
Mufasa: Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true king. Remember who you are.

Remember who you are. Are you the woman who pursues after worldly gains to receive the praise from the world who is only looking to take advantage of her success, to be used-up and when no longer needed, thrown to the curb? Are you he who diligently follows the system of the world thinking that if he plays by its rules and its reward system that he will be satisfied, only to find in the end, no one really cares?

I have been seeing life a lot like the first Matrix movie. An artificial system is in place that is supposed to satisfy the humans. Agents, who hate the humans, are in place to maintain that system. There are a few who know what really comprises the system and have a desire to free others, yet the system is against them. Since the humans are a part of the system, they are against them too. There have been days of my life when the events of the day do seem like it was a planned to attack my soul.

It was a Wednesday afternoon. A rather bright one if I do recall. I would meet with Diane at her house. She's an extroverted housewife with 3 young kids. She is not the type who boldly takes upon actions indicative of leadership, in fact, before heading out upon the open road, she has relied on her husband to drive on the interstate for the last two months. Early on, she said she wanted me to drive in Atlanta although she is an Atlanta native. Who would join our foray?

Noah: age: 18 months. Likes to talk incoherently and has an eclectic music taste involving singing vegetables.

Erica: age: 19. Introverted. U of M Art major who realized that Art serves no functional purpose in her life and is looking to change majors. Quiet through most the trip, though had a heavy foot while on the last leg of the trip back home (100 mph in a minivan is just wrong)

Shea: age: 18ish. Goes to school somewhere, not sure on what level. Has a knack with a camera. Has a hard time parking a minivan for she must be informed that she still has the vehicle in reverse (which is not a good thing when everyone is outside of the vehicle).

Noa: age 21. Not to be confused with previous Noah. Goes to Union University as a Biblical Studies major who is looking for a seminary to attend. Doesn't really like school, though she does like Greek. A quirky introvert who will post herself dancing on her blog.

Per directions of Diane, I was given a cup, two boxes of crackers, and assigned to sit in the back of the van with Noah. I was terrified! There I was, perusing a few articles within the "Baker's Encyclopedia of Christian Apologetics" next to a kid which I was freaked out over because I didn't know what to do. I nonchalantly informed our caravan that "I am not good with kids." Ok, so I was absolutely horrified and my heart raced, but no need to share my fears with the group. We were just getting underway. He and I made a silent pact of sorts: he didn't mess with me and I didn't mess with him. He didn't have to be poked and laughed at and I got to read. We were both pretty quiet the first couple of hours. Somewhere in Mississippi we stopped which... out of my "grand selflessness", I took one for the team and said that I didn't mind driving. 😉 In fact, I said that I didn't mind driving ALL the way to Atlanta. Oh, and I got remarks like "Surely you don't have to do that, we can let someone else!" and naturally I said "Ohhhh, I don't mind." So I drove and it felt natural. I love the open road and driving to places I've never seen. We took Hwy 78 through Mississippi and Alabama until we got to Birmingham and took Hwy 20 to Atlanta. Some of the driving on 78 involved a two-laned road– but I didn't mind! 😉

We drove into Atlanta and had to find a particular place to meet Diane's dad in order that he could whisk Noah off, which this kind of granddad was more than HAPPY to do so. The particular place is called "The Varsity". I didn't think much more of it than a large scaled grease joint, but apparently it is rather renowned and is supposed to have the best onion rings. There was a late 20s-early 30s man, who did not hold the appearance of a bum, outside that hassled us on a couple of times, first asking for 50 cents and then for 30 cents. You almost want to tell him to ask for more money.

We had a difficulty finding our hotel. It was one of those scenarios in which the planning that I typically will do for a new city was not done since I thought I would be "riding along" I did not think it would be necessary for me to research. At one point, I though I was taking an exit and hit it going 55-65 mph only to realize that 20-25 yards later it would dead end into a car lot. It looked like an exit, the variety that runs parallel to a town. Later, I would be told I was a "quick thinker". It was analogous to changing lanes while holding the brake down. Diane and I entered the Microtel hotel and as we did, I turned and saw that Marlins outfielder catch that last out against Chicago (I didn't even see the hit) that sent Chicago back home, dashing its World Series hopes.. I had my own room of course yet the four of them had to share a small room with a queen sized bed. I would have invited a couple of 'em over but...

Thursday morning. I was told to be out in the lobby at 7:15. So naturally, I was. Makes sense. I spent the time on the floor next to a potted plant and read the scriptures. Apparently the conference brought a lot of traffic and hence why I was on the floor. The time passed. I soon found myself alone and got to sit on the plushy couch. I read. Two of my party came down around 7:45 I guess. I didn't really care about the delay, but they would soon tell me something that would impact me for the next few hours.

"Bill, Daniel is going to stay in your room." Daniel? I don't know who Daniel is. He was a good friend of them apparently for they seemed overly excited about his coming. Why wasn't I asked this? So what if he's driven 4 hours this morning from Savannah, I didn't care. It's not like they made the hotel reservations for me or was paying for my room. I was angered by this for it seemed... "bossy". Maybe if I were given some time beforehand– sure if this was agreed upon, but I was looking forward to having time by myself in the hotel room, but then to throw this stranger with me suddenly– my mind raced... there was nothing I could do and I voiced my concerns. I was told something along the lines of "we thought you would be Christ-like." Ugh, one can't throw around Christ like that to propel her own agenda! So all I could say was "Well, next time give me a heads up before telling me." I soon realized that I had known the Daniel they spoke of and knew he was good, but I was still bugged. In fact, I was disturbed. Assess whatever you like at what point how this all ties into the spiritual realms. I felt alone.

We reached the Gwinnett Civic and Cultural Center, it is an arena that seats about 10,000. We caught with one of guys, Mark Murdock, a guy that... Wait wait:

Mark: age: mid-30ish. Cool guy from Ohio (despite being from Ohio). On staff with Highpoint. Has a knack for finding a minivan in the middle of nowhere, Mississippi and trailing for 75+ miles while the van's occupants had no such knowledge of his presence.

We were told we had seats saved for us on the ground level and as we went down, the conference begin to start with a dazzling multimedia display. We reached the bottom and those who led our foray realized that they didn't know where they were going and I realized that here we are, in this open space of the arena, with 5500 people looking down upon us. I felt as though we were under the spotlight of being foolish... at least clueless anyway. I also felt like chances are, no one saved me a seat because people just typically forget me that way and it always hurts. So, I broke formation and began to head up the stands. I have the bad knack of being a leader that no one follows. 🙂 I didn't feel that much loyalty to the group for I was still feeling burned from the disloyalty shown to me that morning. I eventually found a seat in the upper level. I was miserable.

After the initial introduction to the conference, Andy Stanley brought the first message. Essentially it dealt with what makes a bad leader (guilt, anger, jealousy, and greed) and how to combat those. I was feeling anger and a "twinge" of jealousy. One might say that greed was in the picture, but only if its greedy to have time to oneself and as an introvert, I need that time especially when there was so much social stuff going on. I was feeling guilt especially since I removed myself from the group.

There I was, amongst Christian leaders from across the nation, yet I was in Satan's crosshairs. Sure, the events that led up to that point weren't my fault and my reaction might be considered expected. But the battle had nothing to do with that, it was just the staging area. Rather, the battle was concerned jealousy and pride, something in which I have struggled over for years. Like Neo, I had to turn and fight my Agent Smith; I had to turn and meet the demon head on. As the message continued, I scanned the crowd to see where everyone was. Yes, they did have a seat for me. I walked around during the break. I didn't know what I was going to do. A struggle was taking place within my heart as I roamed past the booths during the break.

As I continued with this struggle, I ran across my upstairs neighbor, Cory. Now if one were to run across her neighbor at the local grocery store, that might be unexpected but plausible, but just to randomly see a neighbor when one is 6-7 hours away– that can knock one back a little. He is a worship leader for Christ United Methodist church, but still I wasn't expecting to see him. Of course, the odds had to be against me running into him EVEN if I knew he was there. In retrospect, I think God timed things. Anyway, Cory asked me who I went with and then where were we sitting. I could have said "those foolish heathens were elsewhere" but no, I just played kinda dumb and said "Somewhere off towards that direction, I'm kinda turned around." My struggle was over. After talking to Cory, I went to sit with them.

I'm going to pull back from some of the remembered details of this writing as it is already of great length. Come lunch time on that Thursday, I was in a circle with Daniel. Well, I guess we've all seen the nature channel and seen how the males of a species communicate with one another. What did I do? I threw a wadded paper towel at him and said "Hey, you can bunk with me, buddy!"

Daniel: age: 19. Goes to school at a $30k a year school in Savannah and a knack for blending art and architecture. Considering on coming back home to Memphis to attend school at U of M due to current costs. Nice fellow, kinda quiet, and a good listener.

After lunch, the messages brought to the audience were insightful yada yada yada

Ok... back to good stuff. We went back to the hotel, this time with Daniel. I don't really understand women. We were to leave there and go out to dinner, but women... well they just seem to take awhile doing whatever women do. So, Daniel and I had a couple of hours to spend with one another. I talked and shared my renewed vigor for the Lord, how events of life have shaped me in being the guy I am today, passing what advice a 25 year old could to a 19 year old. As I shared my love for God, the feelings that I had held earlier that day seemed as though they never existed. God had used the circumstance as a manner of testing me for obedience, instructing me, and perhaps having some sort of impact on Daniel with the words I had to say. It was a good experience.

After delays, we wound up at the Cheesecake Factory in Atlanta. I've been cutting back expenses in my life, but I decided to indulge myself with a Cajun Ribeye (soaked in a Cajun sauce for 36 hours before preparation) along with a Tiramisu Cheesecake. MMM. They have quite a selection of cheesecakes on hand and seemed to have a list of about 25-30 (including a seasonal pumpkin cheesecake, though I nearly went with a raspberry-lemon cheesecake).

We came home pretty late. I gave Daniel my blanket and a pillow and he got to sleep in the padded window ledge.

Zzzzzz...

Day II

Ok, I really need to speed things up here... I've got plenty of details here but this is too long. Lemme hit the things in which I thought were integral to the time.

The first speaker confirmed what I've been realizing: that we need to unplug from our informational age and find a "quiet peace" with God before plugging back in. Especially as an IT guy, I just get so much information all the time, even though I yanked that horrible television out of my life. 🙂 The whole reality tv show concept was really too much for me and was a turnoff.

Tim Sanders. Wow. Yahoo guy. In my opinion, the best speech of the conference. He made me tear up and later buy his "Love is the Killer App". Though he did not say this, he made me realize how I don't invest in people, that I just "expect" people to follow me because... well, I know what I'm doing so logically I should be followed. He shared a story about an engineer who moved to Seattle and how his supervisor had begun investing some time with him, you know, just the basic stuff like having interest in who he was. Well, the guy winds up giving the supervisor an XBOX. What in the world? The employee had said that he had moved up to Seattle to work and had no friends- no one cared. He had bought a 9mm and began to find himself holding it each day, feeling more comfortable with putting it against his mouth, and as he drew closer to pulling the trigger, his supervisor began showing interest in him. He winds up pawning it and using the money to buy the XBOX.

Sanders made a powerful point stating how "You can't assume everyone has love in their life." Unfortunately, I had a message waiting for me on my answering machine when I came home from the conference. On the night before I left for the conference, Corey, one who was not involved with the ministry but who was a regular at the Mug, one who along with Nic and Heather, I went out to a Memphis Grizzlies game vs. the Timberwolves, one who I saw all the time as I penned my thoughts into rhyme or illustrated my emotion using markers, had decided to end his existence with a gunshot to the head. You just don't know what's going on in someone's head. It's essential that we show the love of Christ.

The conference continued and I grew in wisdom. While there, I remember strolling around the arena and being so utterly contented which is so FAR from what I usually feel at an arena. I typically feel like I'm either about to be pickpocketed or hit with a haymaker. Yet, I was so at peace with all of these committed Christian. It was a thing of beauty. I remember singing one song with the 5500 and feeling a tear roll down my cheek for the beauty of it all.

John C. Maxwell wrapped things up. You may recognize his name. Quite the powerful speaker. Apparently he was in St. Louis a couple of weeks ago doing a business seminar about team building with about 800 people. After the session, he said that the session was over and asked if there was anyone that would like to stay and hear about his faith. Eighty percent stayed and he gave his testimony for about 10 minutes. 108 came to Christ that day.

Towards the end of his message, I found myself praying to God in a fervent manner. You see, I had not seen myself as a leader– especially as a Christian leader. There have been many moments of my life when I had stood up and boldly chose to trudge my own path and found others naturally drawn to that strength. But, leader... me? Never. Sure, I was a supervisor at Piggly Wiggly at just 17, but that was a fluke. I was the computer club president but that was just because my peers voted because... I don't know why. I never wanted it. So, I found myself praying intensely to God. I realized that like the 7,000 of the OT, that I had been set apart. Like Jacob while wrestling with God, I prayed to God saying "bless me". It was an inward intensity that I have very rarely felt in my prayers with God. John Maxwell said for those with whom feel God has given the gift of leadership to stand, but one must understand not to embrace it for personal gain. Those around me stood up but I remained in prayer. I did not want it for a show, I yearned deeply to know and examined what God has given me... the discernment, the logic, the intelligence, the courage, the strength, the wisdom, I looked out how my life He has held me apart from relationships, has broken me from personal pride of independence, I looked at my life's experiences and the love I have for Him. I died to myself and stood for Him.

They went into a worship song and I just sat down and continued to pray for His guidance and His strength.

The conference came to a close and as we milled around, I listened to the ambient beat playing overhead and penned the following words. I only wish I had the music now for it is but a tune that I have now lost:

I trust in You
Be with me
On the roads I take
With the words I say
-Oct 17th, 5PM

Very simple words and a bit removed from the style I have penned in the past.

Before going up to the conference, I was looking forward to Friday night's Passion concert. The David Crowder Band would be playing along with Chris Tomlin. I had heard Chris Tomlin earlier on Friday. My favorite of his is "Famous One" though I think Todd Agnew does a unique cover of his "Kindness". So you might just say, "Hey Bill, why not check out the Passion concert?" Well, throughout the day, I really felt God telling me that He wanted to spend some time with me that night. My entourage seemed to keep asking me if I wanted to go that night, but all I really wanted to go back to the hotel and read His word, pray, and listen to His voice. Now, one might think, "Heck, when you go back home you can do that all that you want. This is a special opportunity and it will be a great time of worship." I had made my mind up. I wanted to spend that time with Him for I learned so much from some great speakers and about myself.

Once I was dropped off at the hotel, I spent some time in His word. I then decided to go for some night air and went for a good walk in prayer while hoping I might run into a coffeehouse. No luck, our hotel had nothing but a community college and some office buildings nearby. Seemingly under my own volition, I decided to walk back. I decide to sit at the table in the lobby and I sensed something. I began to notice the room. The attendant on duty was a young woman of Hispanic descent with a thick accent. There was a woman there in her late 30s with worn out, bleach blonde hair in two long pony tails. She had four daughters with her, from late teens to early 20's. I took note of a situation that had the possibility of getting out of hand. I decided to move closer to a couch and read the Bible, though I was distracted. Apparently an issue arose where the woman began to bring her daughters in without the foreknowledge of the attendant and the attendant was sticking to policy. Regardless, turmoil was about. One of the daughters had a hacking cough and apparently needed to be rested. At one point, one of the daughters turned and said "f- this". The mother said something to her daughter about it and then told the attendant it was none of her business and I thought "Ok, that's enough."

I held up the scriptures and said "I'm trying to read the Bible here." Grasping a hold of my conference card attached to the cord around my neck I said "I just came back from a Bible conference." I'm really not the type to be put into a hostage crisis but I really did not sit down and think about what I was going to do, I just did what was within my character. You know, I expected for the mother to turn her rage towards me– which was fine because that's a way of absorbing the conflict thus ending it. Instead, she told me how she respected that. From that point, I just showed the love of Christ. I listened to her. I shared how these things of life don't really matter, that our lives are so fragile, and how we will all die one day. I continued to listen to her and heard that her boyfriend kicked them out of the house (which explains the clothes hamper). The mother begin to have a few more words toward the attendant and I began sharing with the sick daughter, the one with the "choice" words earlier. I gently said how I was sick last week and still trying to get over it myself. I just simply showed her love. Well, as I talked to the daughter, the mother must have gotten into it a bit too much with the attendant for she said that she would call the police if this continue. So, I interjected myself in the conversation again with some wisdom and as I was beginning to offer to pay for their room that night, one of the daughters suggested that they go and so they went, but not before the mother turning to me and asking me to pray for her.

Yet, the issue had not been resolved as of yet.

I gently strolled up to the counter and immediately the girl behind the counter with hurt in her eyes said "I'm sorry about that sir-" I quickly cut her off and asked "how are you holding up?" I shared a few of my own "experiences" with customers and even my recent conflict with my sister. As we talked, I shared with her how God had brought me to Atlanta and how I did not know what I was going to do with my life. I noticed that tears were in her eyes, no doubt the result of the earlier conflict and how she felt she could lower her guard with me. She asked if I was married and I spoke how I wasn't sure how God would handle that with me. She told me how she was married just a month ago and that she had been living with her boyfriend for four years. We continued to talk for sometime and I just quite simply continued to share the love of Christ. Grace and truth. I didn't share the gospel with her, rather I did share the "life of the gospel". She began smiling again and I went outside to spend time underneath a young maple tree.

Under the night sky with soft rustling from the leaves of autumn, I spent the time dramatically reading various Psalms along with the entire book of James. As I communed with the Father, I was hit all the sudden by a horrible fear of what if my entourage died in a car accident that night? I wouldn't hear about it. No one would know about me. My eyes began to water up and I prayed that He would protect them that night.

The time passed.

Around 11:45PM, I slipped a note underneath their room door to call me for a time to wake up tomorrow if I missed them. I continued to stroll the grounds though I feared that I would seem a bit odd. It's just not everyday you see someone sitting cross-legged underneath a tree passionately reading aloud the word of God... at midnight. =) I went up to my room for awhile and looked out the window for sometime for their return. Nothing. My anxiety grew. I went downstairs and during my walk in the parking lot, found a car trunk with someone's keys still dangling from the lock. I grabbed them and left them at the front desk. I went upstairs, came back down again, and decided that I would just start walking and see if I find them. Less than 5 minutes into my trek, and as I began to pray fervently for them, I spotted their van. It was 1:45 AM.

During the night, they did take a U-turn on a busy highway and the driver didn't realize that cars were bearing hard upon them. They recounted to me that they felt their lives were at risk before I even said anything about my prayers. Did God communicate this to me and compelled me to pray for their safety?

What a day and what a night! October 17th, 2003

Saturday had some mundane details and we drove home (I spent a lot of the night driving in prayer).