I have been on a great journey of the heart. I have dreamed dreams that are bigger than me. Instead of holding to "why" I have grasped "why not?" When one contemplates a dream, its first flight is delicate; its wings are fragile, like that of a butterfly. Questions of "how" blow a dream out of the air before it can extend its wings in open flight.

Fasting from the pleasures of food during the month of December empowered me in developing with a speed greater than I have known. Truly, I have pushed the envelope of my existence. The fast itself has been an arduous discipline to maintain. Our culture uses food as entertainment to such a great degree. I've been to a Mexican restaurant with tortilla chips and dip just inches from my hand. I've joined a birthday celebration surrounded by the savory aroma of an Italian restaurant's enticements. Nic has come over to my apartment with a Papa John's pepperoni in hand, used my own oven to reheat it, and even had the leftovers remain at my place for me to discard. I have sat down to so many meals and had but a mug of stale coffee to quench the watering of my tongue.

Concerning the waters of dating, as an abstract I do not wish to be involved with another before June. Financially, I am not in the position to entertain a lady friend. But our lives are not lived in the abstract and I long for those moments of shared soulgaze that are oblivious to the clockwork of time. I did not have romance in 2003, yet it suited me well for there was a long path that I had to sojourn alone. Additionally, I did not connect with another who "could" taste my soul. It proved best for me to not be involved with another for I had to seek my identity in God, find my heart and live from it. If I had found romance in 2003, I would have eased to complacency before knowing who I am to be. Instead of a December with a pattern of self-denial, distraction removal, and a tight focus, a relationship would have made me... a giddy glutton. I do hope there will come a time when my strength will pour into another's heart and a bond that is not expressed by words will be spoken again. But as for now, I am not ready for her. I am away preparing a place; I am away preparing my heart. Indeed, 2004 will be a monumental year for me.

Welcome 2004. The transitional years of my life have dealt in 4's: 1992, 1996, 2000... 2004. As I walked home from work on the 31st, my steps were carried along with a joyful anticipation of the soon coming year. Though the sun had set and the gloomy dank of wintry darkness set about me, my heart felt an all-encompassing joy. 2004 was soon to arrive.

"The Highlander". From May 29th through June 20th, I should be spending a week backpacking through the Highlands of Scotland. The remaining time will be spent riding the rails through Europe while venturing to those places I have read and heard, yet never fathomed that my eyes would fall upon those sights. I see it as a spiritual journey into the wilderness as I draw closer to Him. My heart is joyful. My boss approved my upcoming leave which encouraged me and reality rolled into action when I made a monetary commitment with a ticket. On Saturday, May 29th around 2:20PM, I will be boarding a plane bound for Paris with a stop in Detroit. I ultimately chose Paris over the other European cities because I wanted to be in Normandy on Memorial Day. One of my goals is to find myself on a sunny hillside near the Alps close to Salzburg, Austria and while twirling in circles, I'd sing—you guessed it, "the hills are alive, with the sound of music."

I bought a leather journal to record my planning and thoughts as I prepare and experience the journey and as I am upon it. One day I would like to write a book based on this material. One of my dreams is to write such a book and share with others my journey and paint the pictures of what I see. I find that people love the idea of what I am planning, yet for various reasons, they do not embark on such ventures. Therefore, I would like to write in a manner that brings the reader along with me. What is the allurement of movies? It allows us to be a part of an epic with no commitment on our parts. I can write such a work while encouraging others to dream big.

So what other implementations have I initiated during my time of fasting?

I have a plausible goal of reaching 163 lbs. that is powered by a dream and not a statistic/persona. During the time of my fast, my weight has plummeted from 241 to 200.

A goal of mine has been to identify and to strategize a solution in resolving my knee ailment. Previously, I have been given vague generalities that only presented pieces of the puzzle. Through reading hiking periodicals and knee-related websites, it seems as though I have chondromalacia. Essentially, my patella's mistracking is tearing up my knee's cartilage. Fortunately, quad strengthening exercises will restore my knee without surgery, assuming I haven't already taken too much damage. I just hate that rice krispies crackle when it occurs outside a bowl of cereal!

I am examining and embarking upon a "walking lifestyle." As a "joint" venture between my knee-strengthening objectives and European hiking, I now walk to work. It is roughly a 3 mile distance between my apartment and U of M. I can wrap it up in just under an hour. It is a relatively safe journey, though I am wary as I draw near to the Liberty Bowl. I have also been walking to Midtown locations. I walk the mile to my favorite coffeehouse, though my brisk steps on Union at night make me a bit edgy. As I was strolling aimlessly the other day, I swung by the movie theater and watched "LOTR: Return of the King." The theater itself matches its locality's uniqueness for they serve wine and cheese. A brief sidebar: there is a scene in LOTR where Aragorn is told to lay down the identity of the ranger and to become what he was born to be. Wow, what a HUGE thought and incredibly applicable! As I watched this scene, my eyes watered-up for it resonated throughout me.

I am removing distractions for a more focused life. It is true that this was started before my fast, but I feel as though it was refined during this period. Though it does not come as a surprise, now that I am no longer bombarded by the world's propaganda via television, I am able to freely dance upon my own thoughts. I continued removing clutter/distractions in my life by giving away ¾'s of my books (like I'm ever going to read "Jane Eyre" again—much less its Cliff's Notes!). The associated bookshelves soon lost their positions and now adorn the living room of Nic. I considered the individual significance of my articles of clothing. Several bags of clothing found their way into the receiving hands of a thrift store. Incidentally, I also dropped off my old card collection there. After years together, I parted ways with BOB, my martial arts "dummy". It's not that we didn't have a good relationship, in fact, it had been recently improving. But at 400 lbs, I had to look down the road at what might happen between us. I think he would be too clingy and would restrict my freedom. So, I threw out the idea to Ed if he could cart him off, he could have him, and cart him off he did.

A man's place is in the kitchen... or so is the new motto of the House of Bill. Yes, I have developed the environment to be conducive to cooking. Novel idea, eh? Yes, I lack the skills, but they have these... algorithms that will result in food! The key for me is to develop a setting that will draw me to the kitchen. I must say, once again I play the game of creative thought and have a unique lighting schema in my kitchen. I brought in one of my old stereos which add to the ambience. Recently, I acquired a hanging pot rack which already adds several points to my cooking skill set!

So here I am. Dreaming big and living dreams. I really don't know what life has for me but I'm leaping out into the abyss to see what I may find.