Deep into this night, '90s One-Hit Wonders ride along with me. More specifically, Semisonic rings out Closing Time, the groove I played to kick folks out at midnight back during my barista gig.

I feel young; I feel vibrant.

Is it because it was the first day back with...

...a systolic blood pressure above 130?
...a diet of 200g fat, 70g protein, 1g net carb?
...something as simple as my iced butter coffee?

If you could only see
How blue her eyes can be
When she says
When she says she loves me

Tonic, If You Could Only See (1996)

I don't know what caused it, but it was the first day back to where my family said I was "me" again. It was the first night I did not have to steal sleep with my meditation wizardry.

It was delightful!

How it contrasted with the night prior! Back then, I felt as though I stood at the threshold of death, being mindful of my body's location for discovery in the morning.

And while there remains a series of challenges before me, I am back in this familiar cockpit, flipping the switches and hammering the gauges, thrilled to hear the leveled whine of the jet engine as I rundown my checklist.

The End of an Era

After a six-year run, a total of 40 iterations, I am ending The Expeditions. For better or for worse, this is a new era for me. These days, I weigh myself every day for water gains; I've lost the mystique of the past. These days, my weight is determined more by a cocktail of drugs than by my own planning and iron will.

In very real terms, after they take a bonesaw to my sternum, I will have little incentive to achieve arm sizes.

Thus, I pulled down my Fit page and all the wonderful history therein. In like fashion, I took down my Goals. Those have been wiped out from me, something I grieved the other day. There is no path to victory to think I could even run a single 5K in 2024.

Maybe one day, I can achieve the golden ratio with a scarred-up torso—I dream. But in these days, the goal is to stay alive. No longer do I think of October 9, 2044, the day to outlive my dad. The day to reach is tomorrow.

And on this day...I am ALIVE!

Said I was in my early 40's
With a lot of life before me
When a moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days, lookin' at the x-rays
Talkin' 'bout the options and talkin' 'bout sweet time
Asked him when it sank in
That this might really be the real end
How's it hit ya, when you get that kind of news
Man what ya do
And he says

I went sky divin'
I went Rocky Mountain climbin'
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I've been denying

Tim McGraw, Live Like You Were Dying (2004)