Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be all right
Perhaps it's just imagination
And day after day it reappears
And night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Men at Work, Overkill (1983)

Yesterday afternoon into evening, I felt TEAR-RUBBLE. Again, I was very green with those ol' butterflies clanging around inside. Then there was the backdrop of me stopping coffee on a dime and the neighbor's late yardwork for me to breathe in bed. Just one of those makes me miserable.

I don't know what's going on. I do know that though Sunday started out as a fat focus day; my going without coffee, too, was more than I wanted to overcome. Thus by lunch, I did my typical 3 burgers and 4 eggs.

Previously, I ran full carnivore from November 23, 2020 to August 22, 2022, so I have all the confidence in the world I am doing the right thing so I don't have to rely on Kelly Hogan's 15-year success. Even this soon to be ¾ year span lets me know I am headed down the work of being alive.

I don't know if I can really fault coffee. Yes, drink too much and—look, anything too much is awful, right?

No, this is something different. I'd have to think it's due to that zombie bite back in February. Everything else went haywire after it; I never fully dropped its effects. Is it difficult to believe that this is a new verse to the same old song?

Plants Do This to Blood Cells explains my position pretty well as to why I just smile and shake my head when folks give a robotic reaction of reading from the script, "Talk with your doctor."

That phrase has always miffed me. C'mon, man! Who am I, Daddy Warbucks? Who else next should I talk to? My gardener? My mechanic? My maid? My air traffic controller? Exactly how BIG is this staff of mine?

"I need to have a talk with my barista down in the foyer. And if that cook ain't Alton Brown, he's outta here—wait, he's Guy Fieti? Fine, that will be the Flavortown wing. Just really wanted the sharp wit from Alton. When does the Hot Ones guy start?"

Then again, if all of this is true..."I'm Batman."

No, I suspect a bit of puffed-up chest syndrome leads to this sort of thinking.

Of course, we can go to the doctor. But do we ask if we should go? I know he prescribes, can I unsubscribe? If he's just addressing symptoms and doesn't extend survivability, then I could save a few bucks and buy a six-pack a day. I don't get the sense that doctors can promise a longer life. And I gotta believe that a tour through the beers of the world would be a FAR more enjoyable medical experience.

No, the weird thing about how I feel lately is that I have had the desire to just suck and crunch down on ice in these late afternoons. Then again, I suspect that's about half of the city in this Memphis summer.

I achieved it: Day 238. My next target?

Break my dependence on coffee. THIS is challenging as it's the carrier of my butter, the principal way in which I empower my high-fat carnivore approach. I've had moderate success in the past using unsalted Kerrygold butter mixed with hot water over ice, but that's not a cost-effective answer. That said, I get the sense I am beginning to feel weird from coffee. The first two-cup coffee in a 40 oz stein is fine, but the second set has been challenging to drink...makes me feel... dehydrated...and around 3 each day, I just feel green. I may be evolving beyond coffee. A great aspect of a diet that inherently is an elimination diet is that I can see EXACTLY what affects me—like that time I gained 50lbs literally by drinking quarts of heavy whipping cream!

In money matters, as of yesterday, I officially have NO credit cards. I know, how un-American of me! According to Experian, my Gen X peers have almost as much credit card debt per person as millennials and Gen Z COMBINED. Along with agreeing with Dave Ramsey's advice, there's a certain simplicity element to not having a credit card.

And I seek a simpler life.

I found a video that compels me to rethink my writing voice.

I am glad the summer solstice has passed. Throughout my 40s, I have been thinking summer is the worst. And I always thought summer is the one season that could kill ya. And this is from the guy who wrote that 1℉ outdoors, house heat out, frozen hot waterline of Christmas Eve 2022's Grandma Got Runover by a (Pork Belly)! We can keep bundling up, but you just cannot set a big ol' ice cube outside to cool off.

I like that the night is returning, minute-by-minute. I miss the cascade of stars, for this city does not afford the night sky. Once upon a time, it was A Sky Full of Stars.

The thing about improving physical and financial fitness; writing more effectively; longing to cool my tongue with a cold front; or just a sky full of dreams, they're all vehicles, not destinations.

If I'm going to be honest, I don't know where I am going. I know where I want to be.

This is it: today, I am tied for the 2nd longest diet streak of my life at 237 days. Yes, I have eaten exactly what I set out to do—NO binges. Nary a Lay's chip! Now, I watched ol' Matt get all sorts of flustered on Dollar General knockoffs, but I didn't join him! And while he doesn't cover them, I gotta admit, those Girl Scout knockoffs are the BEST!

OK, so maybe sometime later today I will snap the streak? Last year, I chose to do it under the Sun while in the pool. This year...well, the pool remains covered. I'm a day behind on doing yardwork around it, however!

No, today will be just fine. I got this title. But I want that original 795 mark that was kicked off in June 2020; it was one of the best years of my life. And I can tie it on New Year's Day 2026, the year I'll be turning 48. By then, I'll long be out of weightloss mode, but it'll just be maintenance.

It's all a silly ol' thing. I mean, this streak goal has no relevance to anyone else. But, we need those things. Whether its the streak or my talking on here, we need those things to stay on course.

As to where I am now beyond the fitness game, I'm ready for a change. Something new...invigorating...

It's 4:30 a.m. on a Tuesday
It doesn't get much worse than this
In beds in little rooms, in buildings in the middle
Of these lives which are completely meaningless
Help me stay awake, I'm falling

Asleep in perfect blue buildings
Beside the green apple sea
I wanna get me a little oblivion, baby
I'm trying to keep myself away from myself and me

Counting Crows, Perfect Blue Buildings (1993)

Perhaps what I liked about 2020 was that I grew. While the world went up in flames, I paid no mind to the noise and dismissed it outright. "Ship of fools," I said.

I became a better version of me. I studied—really studied, keto, poured hours into it. Explored futurism, Big Tech, history, and industry. Ran through a number of biographies and leadership texts. I set engaging fires to remove trees. I stood in the middle of a highway at night to listen to coyotes howl. I meditated and saw visions in my head. I worked the bag over and over again, pulling pain out of each crunch. I was on the cusp of something very special.

I need that.

Now, I feel my heart beatin'
I feel my heart underneath my skin
Now, I feel my heart beatin'
Oh, you make me feel
Like I'm alive again

Coldplay, Adventure of a Lifetime (2015)